TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from area. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, sure, let's have another put exactly where American men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide Anyone a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he must halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for Trump Tower Damascus "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from House, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where company could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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